Welcome to Visionary’s Pursuit, a podcast where we explore what it takes to turn your bold and inspiring ideas into reality. I'm Carolina Zuleta. I'm a life and business coach and your host for this podcast. I'm thrilled to have you here.
Hi, welcome back. This is episode 82 of the Visionaries Pursuit Podcast. Today I have an episode that it's a little bit different than what I usually talk about a lot more personal maybe. Um, but it's something that I'm, honestly, I'm very excited to share with all of you, even if you're not a mom, I think there's gonna be enough things for all of us to learn something from it.
That is my intention, that we can all learn something from this episode. Especially if you're a mom and you have a career or your own business, and sometimes you feel conflicted between the time and energy you give to your kids or the time and energy you give to your business. So here's the other disclaimer.
I'm not gonna do this episode as I am a coach and I'm gonna coach you on this, but more as I am a woman who's always paying attention to herself, who has a business that is my dream. I think it's my third child that I feel so called to it. It really feels like my life's mission. And I'm also a mom to two little girls.
So I'm gonna share more from my. Own life experience. What I've learned and how I think about it and, and I hope it will be useful for any of you who are listening to it. So I'm gonna start back when I used to work at Morgan Stanley and when I was there I was very excited. It was the dream job back then.
And one of the things I started realizing very soon as I started working there was that being a mom the way I wanted to be a mom, that it was, that I could be present in my kids' life, was gonna be very hard because there was a lot of traveling. There were a lot of long hours, a lot of events at night or during the weekends.
That it was not the lifestyle I wanted to have. I don't wanna be working 60 hours and got home when my kids were sleeping. I wanted to be a mom that was able to take them to the dance class or the horseback riding class or whatever they wanted to do. So in that moment, I didn't know I wanted to be a coach, but I did start thinking, how can I create a life? How can I design my life so I could be doing both? And everything I've done in my career has been very intentional in that sense of what is a career that is gonna give me the freedom to be able to choose.
And I have to say that today, I mean, this was Morgan Stanley was back in 2009, so many, many years ago. Today, I do live that vision, which is again, going back to this coaching principles that I teach, right? If you wanna have a career and you wanna spend time at home and you're thinking , oh, but if I do my career, if I build my business, I won't have time with my kids, and you're saying I need to choose this or that, when you really want both. My recommendation is always to start challenging yourself to how can you have both things that you want? So how can you have a successful career, make money, have an impact, and have time with your kids in the way that you want. And of course there are trade offs, but not necessarily in the way that many of us think either I have this thing that I really want and I sacrifice my family, or I really am with my kids and I sacrifice my career.
That even though the balance and, and balance is a tricky word, even if the balance is never perfect, there, there is a vision where in which we can dream. And work to design our lifestyle in the way we want.
The second thing that also happened before I became a mom was listening to a conference with Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love. And in this conference she was talking about that there are three types of mothers. There are mothers who work and who prioritize their career and feel very guilty because they don't spend enough time with their children. Those women who choose to stay at home with their kids and not work, and they also feel guilty because they have this university degree and they feel like they should be doing something with it, or that they should be producing money or that, simply looking around that the standards are that women should work and they feel guilty because they don't do that.
And then she said, and then there's the third type of mother who is the mother that could either work full time or be at home full time. But doesn't feel guilty. And she's like, and those are rare. And she's talked a lot about mom guilt and how moms are always feeling guilty. And I remember back then thinking, how could it be a mom that doesn't feel guilty? And I think today, I would say I'm part of that third group, and not because I don't feel guilty every now and then, but because I don't feel guilty because of the choices I've made. 'cause the choices I've made. I have really thought them through. And I also wanna make a parenthesis here, which is a big one. I've had the privilege to be able to make these choices. I know that in many cases we don't have that choice.
But anyway, the story I tell myself, the way I wanna be with myself is not from a place of feeling guilty because I work, currently, I work three days a week, full days, and two days a week, part days. So I can spend the afternoon with Maya and Mila, and other times I've worked less and now maybe I'm working more and I have sat with it , do I feel guilty about this?
Why do I feel guilty about this? And I think it's that conversation that questioning, why would I feel guilty about this? That has allowed me to process and be and feel an integrity with myself because. I am living according to my values and my desires, not how other people think I should be living or going about being a mom.
That said, I do feel guilty sometimes, but when I feel guilty, instead of shaming myself or ignoring it, I pay attention and I use that guilt as a compass. So, for example, I might feel guilty because that afternoon that I said I was gonna be with the girls. I was on my phone answering emails or text messages, and I think that's good to feel guilty about that because that wasn't my conscious choice.
That was something I allowed to happen by default because of other thoughts. So when I do feel guilty, I course correct. I spend time with myself, I reflect, I honor that guilt, and then I do something different. So I use guilt as my compass to know if I'm living in integrity with the way I want to be a mom.
Not necessarily because the world thinks I should be a certain way, but because I have thought deeply about how I wanna manage my time, how I wanna be with my kids, and I know that when I feel guilty, it's because I'm not doing it the way I intend to do. So there's a difference between feeling guilty because you're either working or you're staying at home versus. Feeling guilty because you're living maybe outside of integrity, right? So I think it's important that we really take time to ask ourselves, how do we want to spend our time?
How do we wanna be when we're with our kids? How do we wanna be when we're at work? And to our best of our abilities to follow that through? And when we don't have a choice, I think we can still choose within the circumstances to make a decision and to have really good reasons why we're doing something and then fully honor it.
The other thing I've learned throughout the years, especially I think this is a big lesson that has come from my clients, is understanding that all of us are different types of mothers and that there's not a one right way to be a good mom, or that we don't all have to be the moms that do things the same way.
So, for example, I've met women who, the way they parent is that they cook all the healthy meals for their kids. Maybe they do homeschooling. Maybe they have these beautiful activities they plan for their kids at each afternoon. They spend a lot of time interacting with their kids, making sure they're healthy, they're learning.
And you know what? I think it's. Beautiful way to parent, but I've also met other women who, maybe they're executives in companies and they dread nighttime routine, and when they think about being at work a little bit later or coming home to three kids crying and not wanting to eat and not wanting to shower.
They rather stay at work a little bit longer and maybe have the dad or then any help out with the nighttime routine. And sometimes those moms feel shame because we don't talk about that enough. And when we look at social media, that's not portrayed as the right way of being a mom. And yet when I talk with these moms, I have learned that they have beautiful ways of parenting that are not maybe the traditional way. For example, I have a client, she's an executive but she also has a lot of hobbies and interesting things she does. She's a pilot. She's really good at kite surfing. She loves skiing, scuba diving. And she might not be the mom that is making the sandwich in the shape of a heart with a little note, but she's the mom who's teaching her kids all these incredible sports and is taking them to amazing adventures and spending time with them.
And her three kids are incredible at all the things they do and they try and, and how they are travelers around the world. It's so fun to see her parent in that way and talking with all these moms and also reflecting. On who I am and how I am, i've come to believe that the best way we can be moms is by being fully who we are.
So I see this client of mine. I was like, oh, it would be so cool that I would be the mom who's teaching them how to kite serve or how to ski, but I don't kite serve and I've tried skiing and it's not my favorite thing. So that's not where I'm gonna naturally connect with my children. Or when I see these moms that have these beautiful recipes and have everything about nutrition and preparing these beautiful meals and these fancy snacks and cooking for those children. And then I look at myself and I think, well, I've never liked to cook. So that's not also the way that I'm gonna be a great mom. But the way I express my motherhood being the mom to Maya and Mila is first is because I'm very affectionate, so I'm a mom that likes to hold and hug so holding their hands, cuddling with them at night. I also am a coach and I love personal development, and I love thinking about our dreams, so I spend a lot of time with them.
Thinking about their dreams, their desires, what do they like teaching them about their brain and their emotions and how to navigate life. I also express my love by taking them to their classes, the musical theater class, a dance class, and being there for them and showing up when they have a show or when they're on stage and and cheering for them.
So I think my lesson here is that each of us are unique. That our motherhood is an expression of who we are, and that comparing ourselves to other ways of mothering, unless we use it for inspiration, can leave us feeling we're not being that great. Versus when we can look for inspiration, yes, to other mothers, of course, but then really ask ourselves, who am I?
What is the way I express love? What is the way I am present with my kids? What is it that I love doing with them? And then. Doing that, being your own unique brand of mother.
The other lesson that I learned and do when Maya was born, and I was feeling that conflict because of course I've, this has been a journey of working and being present because my mom, right, which is the biggest example we have, is her own mothers was a stay at home mom. She worked for a little bit, but most of my life, I just remember her being at home and being with us all the time.
And I thought my daughter is gonna be staying in daycare until four or five, start making me a bad mom. And I called my friend who her mom worked all her life and I talked to her about this and one of the things she told me is, listen, Caro, my mom did work full time. But I never felt like she wasn't present. She knew what was happening in my life. She showed up for the things that were important. And then, from there, I also learned that being present in a kid's life doesn't mean being 24 hours with them.
It's truly being in connection with them, it's understanding who they are, what's happening in their life, what's going on with them, even if we're not the ones who are driving them to school or picking them up from school or taking them to classes. And that also gave me a lot of comfort. And today that I work three a full afternoons, I'm not with my girls.
I have the trust that I'm still present in their lives, and I know what's going on in their relationships at school, how, what they ate, how they're feeling, because they're constantly on my mind.
And then I've also approached motherhood as I approach most things in my life that it's learning a lot about it. So I'm not gonna tell you that I've read all the books, but what I will tell you is that the books that I've read, not a lot of them. I think I read a book about kids sleep. Um, another book that is about neuroscience and parenting called Whole Brain Child. And I follow Dr. Becky, which I love her and I have her app.
Maybe I've done a course here or there, little things I've done. I take them to heart and I apply them and then I also apply everything I've learned in coaching because I believe the more attention I pay to myself, the more I'm being mindful why did I react this way? What is the impact my energy has and I am reviewing myself.
Being conscious of my thoughts and my beliefs and my actions and my impact and coaching around it and asking for help. Not only have I read those couple of books, but I've also made appointments with, you know, child therapists that have given me ideas on how to navigate certain situations that I have found tricky.
So the other way I practice parenting is by coaching myself around it. And like I tell my clients, 80% of the work we do in coaching is becoming aware of ourselves, of our thoughts, of our emotions, of our actions, of the impact we have.
So I try to be very reflective and when things are not working, for example, my. Now 4-year-old for a while, didn't wanna shower. And I started noticing that I was getting frustrated. shower, we do this every night, why are you resisting it? And when I stopped and looked inside, oh, I'm feeling frustrated and I don't wanna a parent from frustration.
So then what I did was, okay, I'm noticing this. What is the story I'm telling myself that is making me frustrated? And how else can I think about this? And because I. Didn't know how else to think about it or really, honestly, I didn't know what else to do because I felt like I had tried playing and negotiating and threatening, you know, all the things.
I asked for help.
And the way this time I found help, which honestly I'm gonna share it here with all of you because I have found that to be an incredible resource, is Dr. Becky has an app called Good Inside. Inside the app, there's an AI chat called Gigi, and I ask Gigi everything now my 4-year-old doesn't wanna shower, what can I do?
And it gives me advice and then I follow it. And that advice usually is very aligned with my own values, which, you know, for example, in the case of showering was about connecting with her first. Naming that it was hard to stop the game she was playing and get in the shower, having a conversation about what, about the shower that she didn't like.
And by following that I realized that I can learn, I can evolve, that it doesn't have to become a power struggle, that it doesn't have to become this thing that I don't like doing. And actually my child end up getting in the shower, and, and we've been moving through that a lot better.
So I guess here the lesson is to be aware, to pay attention also to ourselves. In the same way we're also paying attention to our kids and to ask for help to call a friend if we're feeling overwhelmed or sad. 'cause there's also been those moments. I remember one night I told my husband, listen, I need to get out of the house.
And I went to a coffee shop and I think I was crying. I think I called my best friend because I was feeling very overwhelmed. And I think giving myself that permission of being human as well has been huge. And here's the other thing I feel like I've learned is that the person who is closest to me as I parent is my husband.
And when he calls me out for things that I maybe missed a mark or I got frustrated too quickly or I didn't listen well, or whatever mistake I made as a mom, I really take into my heart what he's telling me because in our relationship, I really trust him and believe that he wants the best for our kids, but he also wants the best for me and that he knows who I am as a mom.
So I also allow his feedback, even if it hurts in the moment to guide me into being a better mom, because that is the thing that I want the most, is to be the best mom I can for my kids.
And I think that is true also for when my friends have given me feedback about my kids, or when a mom at school has been brave enough to tell me my kid made a mistake, or when even my mom has something to offer. Not necessarily that I will agree with everything blindly, but I do listen to it and hear it, and I don't tell myself that I'm a bad mom because either my kid or myself, we made a mistake.
I just take it as we're humans, we're learning, and thank you for these people who are brave enough to call me out. And I guess in that same way I share with my kids this, when I make a mistake, if it's a silly mistake like I'm driving and I made the right turn when it was a left turn, I go, oh my God, I made a mistake.
Mommy makes mistakes. And we all laugh. But also when I make a bigger mistake with them because I either got frustrated or I was shared with them, or when I've been reflecting and realized , oof, I made a big parenting mistake there.
It happened recently. Uh, the way I was handling when my two daughters were having a fight, I realized that. I was not handling that the right way. And again, I went to ask Gigi in the Good Inside app and I shared the scenario we were living and I received the feedback of how I wasn't handling it well.
I realized I was making a mistake and I sat down with her and I said, I made a mistake as a mom and the thing I wish the most is that I could be the perfect mom and never make mistakes, but I am human and I've made this mistake and here's how I'm gonna fix it. And I'm so sorry for the impact that had on you because I deeply believe being an example of a human who makes mistakes but takes ownership of those mistakes, apologizes and does better is the best way i'll teach them to do the same. And that also means that when they call me out on something. Mom, you didn't give me attention. Mom, I've hold you three times and you're always on your phone.
Mom, you are, are not fair with this. I also listen to them and take their feedback in and apologize when I feel like I'm out of integrity, I made a mistake or I created a impact that I didn't wanna create.
So I think one of my biggest parenting tools is to pay attention, and one of the things I know I came to learn in this lifetime is to not be a rescuer. So, you know, if I do the Enneagram and I'm type two, which is a helper, I receive feedback saying that I have this tendency to wanna rescue people, to not allow them to have negative feelings, but to jump in first and to solve it and to save them first.
But my lesson has been to not do that, to really understand that giving help to someone who doesn't want help is the most annoying thing. That everyone is naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. And that my job. My lifetime, even though I'm a coach, is not to help people or to rescue people, but to be of service.
In fact, coaching has taught me that one of our biggest desires that I think we all share is to be seen, to be understood in our own life experience, to be witnessed, to have someone look at us and say, wow, I understand what you're going through, and I think this is true for kids.
So because my tendency has been to resolve and solve and save and rescue, I have to be very mindful of when that tendency shows up with my kids and instead going to being present, listening, believing in them. This is something Andrew has always tells me, believe in them, believe that they can solve it.
And what I have learned, because kids give you immediate feedback, right? They don't wanna pretend that, okay, yeah, you telling me this is valuable. Like sometimes we do as adults is that my kids have a very different reaction when I solve something for them or. Attempt to solve it, that when I actually sit down and witness their experience and hold space for it.
And I'll tell you a short example to illustrate what I mean by this. My daughter invited two friends over to our house and we were doing some arts and crafts, and she went to the bathroom. I can't remember what happened, but the two other kids stood up, got their bikes, and went to bike around our neighborhood.
So when she came back, she realized her friends were not there, and she asked me, where, where are my friends? And I said, oh, they just went for a short bike ride. And immediately she felt sad. She told me how did they live without telling me anything? And she felt left out. And immediately my initial instinct is to solve it, right?
So I went like, well, but it's not that long. They're gonna be here in just a few minutes. And she got even angrier. And then I remembered, my job is not to fix this. My job is to hold space for her emotions , and to witness her experience. So I told her, ah, you know what? You are right. It's not fun when our friends just leave.
I get it. I would also be hurt. And then I said, do you want me to sit with you here and we'll just wait together? And I immediately saw how she relaxed. She allowed me to put my arm around her. We sat down on the curb and I didn't say anything and she didn't say anything. And when her friends came back, she was totally fine. And, and that's a small example, but I think this keeps happening over and over and over again.
So I know this podcast is for founders and, and this episode I mentioned that it's for founders who are parents and maybe what I'm sharing doesn't directly relate to our, to when we're working.
But it's because I don't think our work interferes necessarily with doing these things. And to also share that a lot of the tools I teach in coaching to my clients and that I live by are the same that I use with my children. And because they're life skills, they are skills to be with other humans and to manage our own emotions and our own thoughts.
I love looking for videos or reading books about women who are wiser, who are older than me, like Maya, angel, even, I don't know, Oprah, people who I feel have lived their lives very consciously. And one of the things I keep hearing, and I cannot name one single person who has said this, but I have heard it multiple times, it is the idea that the less we interfere with who our children are and we allow them to be who they came to be in this planet. That's a better way of parenting. So of course I set limits, you know, I make sure they're safe. We have routines because I know that also is important to them. But instead of telling them who they are, I try my best to be curious about who they are.
To ask them what are they interested in to pay attention to how they behave, who they want their friends to be, how they wanna dress, how they wanna express their personality. And even though they're very young, I allow them to the best of my ability to be who they are and not who I want them to be.
And every time I notice that I have a strong desire for them to learn something. For example, oh, I want them to learn a third language. I go and ask myself, why do I want them to learn? A third language maybe it's because I need to be the example of that, and then I start learning a third language. I still might encourage them, but I try to be very mindful to not project my desires onto them. Instead really bring them back and ask myself, why do I want them to learn this thing or do that thing, maybe I should do it first.
And that takes me, I guess the last thing I wanna say, which is that I allow my kids to see me work and I speak highly about my work and how much I love it. And I also tell them when it's hard and I said. Sometimes work is very joyful and I have found something that is I'm very passionate about. But also sometimes it's hard and it's challenging, and obstacles show up, and I allow them to see me struggle with them and get over them. And I also celebrate the wins. Because I'm proud of my work. I love my work, and I want them as they grow up, to have permission to find their own passions and the things they desire and work on them. Thing I believe the most is that we parent more with our example than our words.
And to share a very cute example, Mila, my 4-year-old was asked me to play, uh, family. And she said, okay, mommy, you are gonna be the dad and I'm going to be the mom, so I'm going to work. And she left work and she has a little, uh, toy laptop and she was in Zoom and just doing what I do. And I thought that was the cutest thing that in her generation for her that a dad stays home with the kids or that a mom goes to work is as normal as the traditional roles. And I think that's also been a conversation, but I guess that's a different podcast about how my husband and I have found a way of each of us honoring who we want to be. And in this, in our case, it means that Andrew's also very involved in, in Maya and Mila's daily life, we really split our responsibilities 50 50.
And that's been incredible. And that's the example my daughters have. So I never hide work, even when sometimes, every now and then I have to work on a Saturday. I'm very transparent with them. Listen, I have an important thing going on. I know I'm gonna be away. It's a weekend. It's not. Happening every weekend, but I'm doing this because I love it.
I don't tell them because I have to and poor me that I have to work. I'm like, I love it. It's meaningful and this is the work I like to do. I don't tell them I work because I have to. I don't have to. I tell them that I work because I love and it's meaningful. And doing work is not this thing that I do just to make money. Although I do explain the importance of how. Our work also brings the money that allows us to live our lifestyle.
But I, I'm genuine with them that I like the work I do, that I like being with my clients, that I like creating new things, even when that means that I'm away from them and they have embraced that and accepted it. And sometimes, of course, their mommy, I want you to be with me and I get that. But then we compensate in other ways
Okay, so I guess that's a summary of all these lessons I've been learning as a mom, as a mom that works as a mom whose intention, whose desire is to be the best mom, not the perfect mom, but the best mom I can be in my own version for my children, and I haven't said this because I think it's obvious, but I do think it's the most important tool and it's to love them with all of our heart. And that when there's a moment that I have to choose them or my work, and it's really important for them, I will always choose them.
And I guess this brings me to one more lesson I just thought about. It's that when I'm upset with them, when I'm giving them a consequence, when I'm setting a limit that they don't like, I don't break the connection of love. I can tell them. I don't agree with what you just did, and that's not okay. And I still love you, and even if you misbehave or you know you made a mistake, I am still connected to you and that will never break because I truly believe there is no way of loving a child in excess. The problem is that we confuse not setting boundaries with love. But what I've learned is that we can set boundaries, give consequences, have difficult conversations while we are still loving and staying connected with our children.
It's not easy. It's not easy to be a mom and to work. It's an ongoing journey in which I fail over and over, but I learn and I repair my mistakes. And I think that's the highest expectation we can have of ourselves.
So if you're still listening, thank you for staying here. I hope this is helpful. If you don't have kids, this applies with any other human being that you have in your life. Because what I was talking about was in reference to being a mom, but this is what I teach in coaching. This is what I live by because as I mentioned earlier, coaching skills are life skills and they apply to everything.
So thank you so much for being here with me. To those of you who listen week after week, thank you. And please remember to rate the podcast to follow it. It really makes a difference in how visible this podcast is, and that's how we can create the best content for all of you every week.
I'm sending you a big hug, and I'll see you next time.
If you're currently pursuing a big, bold idea and would love some support, let's talk. In my coaching program, I'll teach you how to manage yourself, your own thoughts and emotions. as well as your team and your money so you can turn your beautiful idea into a reality. Go now to carozuleta.com slash consult that is c a r o z u l e t a dot com slash consult and complete the form to book a complimentary call with me.
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